The Heart Beat

I tried downloading the Tumblr for Blackberry Application but for some reason, nothing but the web browser is working here in Lahore. Using my International Roaming, but will get a Pakistani Sim Card tomorrow. I am eating Terry’s chocolate right now. It’s just brilliant. I feel so liberated and free. No one to tell me what to do etc. I can sleep and wake up whenever I want, do whatever I want and talk to whoever I want. I am in the terrace right now and my Lahore house’s terrace is 6 times the size of the one in Dubai, I reckon. Oh and thank god I have blackberry and it’s keyboard, typing up a blog entry from my mobile! It’s freezing and I am shivering. I probably need a hug. I need something hot too, my tea’s gone cold but still sipping it. The wind is amazing and I can hear the crickets. Listening to romantic music and I did have an awesome plane journey, made a new friend as well!! I am a bit tired, I guess will sleep soon!!

Was running through the jungle, my arms in the air and singing my heart out. I had no idea what I was doing. I was just too happy. I could feel the wind dancing upon my skin and I could hear the sweet melody of Spring. I could hear the birds chirping and I could hear the crickets. I had no idea where I was going, I just knew I wanted to run away and escape. I was too happy to look back. I wanted to run and scream, wanted to take in the joy of it all. Every moment that passed was precious, every feeling that was felt was intense, I knew this was wild happiness.

What was coming over me? This sensation, this uncontrollable urge to be happy and smile. I wanted to be wild and crazy. I was tired of being the good and nice person, that I was. It was time to let go and unleash the wildness with emotions running high. I just knew I was in love, but with who? My heart had not stopped beating faster, my heart rate was high, since I could just feel it, the pulse racing on with my sigh. I tried and I tried, but could not fathom who was it, that had such control over me.

Was I like a puppet? My heart and I’s strings being pulled by some imaginary force. It was like I had never felt before, why was I smiling so much? Why was it that suddenly, I could find happiness in anything that I encountered or anywhere that I went. It was like the flowers were calling out to me, come and smell us, take a whiff of the goodness within and rejuvenate your soul. Suddenly, it felt like the birds were singing only for me and the animals smiled at me. Everything it seemed had come alive and my life it seems had become animated.

What love can do to a person, nothing can be expressed in words. I am still running, barefoot through the jungle, my hair flying in the air, my arms dancing with the wind and my heart soaring like a bird. It is like my feet never touched the ground. I glide my way across, barely noticing what I am doing. I have become so oblivious to my surroundings and don’t feel like stopping, for the fear of this feeling to evaporate and never return.

Yes, I don’t wish to stop but I shall slow down. For, I shall look for the invisible force which has made me feel so good. I am looking left and right, will I find you? Are you the one? Are you the one for who my heart races? Are you the one for who I smile and sing away? Are you the one that brightens my mornings like sunshine and are you the one whose moonlight enchants me, so much so that I can’t stop staring at you before I go to sleep?

I am in wild happiness and here it is that I wish to be.

It’s funny how I feel so weird right now. It’s funny actually that people can change moods so easily. It’s funny really, how I am behaving like the British weather right now. Bet yet, like a hormonal pregnant woman who wants ice cream in the middle of the night and won’t stop with the hissy fits until she gets it, I am parading on and writing my thoughts here.

It’s not even that I am PMsing right now. Even in PMsing, women are usually angry and moody, not distraught and sad. Iam certainly not in bloody love. This is so bloody annoying. I myself feel sometimes that this is an act. It’s fake, don’t you know. This is the way sometimes people think about tears. Hey, nothing is wrong with him/her, it’s just fake tears.

We have grown so insensitive towards our fellow human beings, we don’t even realise that something might be causing them pain. There could be something that brings tears to their eyes. There could be something which is hurting them and makes them sad. Unfortunately we all have become so busy in our lives that we just don’t give damn about people anymore; even the people that are supposed to mean something to us.

Hey, mate. You mean something to me. I am sorry but I don’t give a damn anymore. Are those tears? They don’t have any effect on my heart any longer. My heart is a rock. It is not candle wax that will melt. Don’t you know I am done being a softie? Some people love to be ignorant cows, blatantly refusing to even remember who the other person was.

There was a time when men would wage wars over a beautiful woman and there was a time when a child’s tears would stir up emotions in a person’s heart. Nowadays no one cares and do not fucking tell me that someone does.  These days people have become so altruistic, they will care but only to show how wealthy they are or to show how caring they are to the world. There are very few people left who do it, just because they want to genuinely care about someone.

I have been really interested in knowing, what makes a person miss the other person? How do we miss this person? Why do we miss this person? Or anyone in fact? I have been thinking about this from the morning. Even when I was in the shower. Usually when I am in the shower, I get weird epiphanies or revelations regarding various topics, or I see or think about things which actually do come true. I have always wondered if I had some special ability and yes I do have a special ability. 

It is the ability to observe and analyse. Two thinks very important for Psychologists but Photographers and Journalists a like. Some people might not observe about what’s going on around them, some might but not analyse, some won’t even do both. It’s good to observe and analyse but not draw negative conclusions all the time. We have to analyse and draw conclusions without any biases and pre-made up thoughts about something in our minds. Some people analyse and look in to something way too much, when the matter is not even that deep. It’s a simple clean cut matter and yet they make a mountain out of a molehill.  I have one message for all of them who do this, stop reading too much in to things. That’s when the trouble starts, especially them desi aunties who read too much in to things and then start gossiping and spreading rumours.

Anyway this was about missing someone. I have noticed, if you tell someone you are going to be away - for instance, away from the country you live in - or you tell them that you won’t be in touch with them for some reason for a while, they will miss you more. I am sure this is not ALWAYS the case, especially if the person that you tell this to is not close to you, but if they are close to you, then they will miss you more if you tell them. This has a special psychological effect on the mind. If you won’t tell them that you are going anywhere, even if it is just for a day, they might not even realise it or they might realise it late. 
If you won’t tell them that you won’t be in touch with them for a day or two, they will just go about their daily routine, be busy and won’t realise. People are so busy these days, some people have such hectic routines to actually stay in touch with anyone. IF you have planted it in their mind that you won’t be in touch, then it surely will come in their thoughts and they will miss you. 
Apart from that, even when a person is not going anywhere but for some reason or the other is not in touch with the person that they like to talk to, they miss them. WHY IS THAT? Why do we miss people? What makes us miss people that we like to talk to? What makes us miss people that have a special corner in our hearts? What makes us miss people that have become special for us? Is it because they are an important part of our lives now and the mind recognises that? 

Is it not because they are important, but just because we talk to them so much, we miss “talking to them” and not actually “them”. If we don’t talk to them there is a void in our life and daily routine. We don’t like them as a person, we just like talking to them. Maybe because of one or two of their qualities. So the people that we miss, are they our friends or just human beings that we get attached to and we miss them in our daily routine? 

It’s crazy when people don’t even support their own ideas and thoughts. I for one, don’t support any of the negative bullshit in here about missing someone. I am a die hard romantic and the person who has experienced what it feels like to be in love or miss someone. You don’t have to be in love to miss someone but you can love missing someone. Even if they are away and you can’t talk to them. 

This still doesn’t answers in a positive light, why we miss someone. All I have written is negativity, taking a person as a human being that we have gotten attached to. No that is not the case. Missing someone? What does that actually mean? It is when you remember something they had said, or something you had said to them. In extreme cases, even their picture comes to your mind. You can hear them in your mind as well, if you miss someone a lot. You miss talking to them, you miss their smile, you miss their laughter, you miss their smell, you miss every little thing they did or they do. 

Now that is all for people you are missing, who live in the same town or area as you, and you get to see them often. What if you are missing someone online? Same dynamics, similar ball game, just a tad bit different. You don’t have that animated features of the person to support your mind, missing them. Maybe the way they keep on running their fingers through their hair or something. At the most, online interaction can be very fake. Even if you see someone in a webcam sitting far away, the person would always try to be really presentable and will not necessarily act natural, unlike a person who you actually meet in a real life setting on a day to day basis. You won’t miss the sigh sound of a person, for example who you interact with online, because most probably you had never heard their sigh before. 

Missing someone who lives far from you, is more difficult and painful than missing someone who lives near you but is away, busy and that’s why not in touch. This is why, in my humble opinion having long distance friends is all fun and nice, but it is difficult, especially if you get close to someone but you can’t meet them. You miss them, you want to send them a birthday present and you do, but will you be actually present there to give it and meet them in real life? It doesn’t always happen. Not all of us are blessed with the ability to travel so easily and have a jet setter lifestyle. Not always are we financially capable as well. This is why, all you can do is be friends with a person online - long distance - if they will allow you to be. What do I mean by allow you to be? For example, if they hardly tell you anything about them or their daily life, or even where they live or what they do, then you are missing out on huge chunks of their life. It is not even a complete friendship. It is just like two people come in front of their computers or mobile phones and talk to one another. 

Now if they do tell you random details of their daily life and entrust you with knowledge about them, even though you both are long distance and will meet who knows when, then that person is allowing you to be friends with them and giving you a chance to enter their life. This is the kind of people you miss the most, when for some reason you don’t get to talk to them in a day or for days, and this is the kind of people who hurt you the most too, if they stop talking to you. 

I don’t know how much psychology is in there, about missing someone, but these were just some of the random thoughts that were in my mind and I wanted to write them down. I hope I didn’t bore you guys. Whoever are my silent readers.

Today has been an odd day. Managed to offend Mum and sister. My days usually start good and then end on a bad note. Usually it is the opposite, days start bad and then end on a happy note. Well that is the way it is supposed to be.

Happily ever after! How is that achieved? I am still looking for a way to achieve mine. Today was such an awesome day, went to University, saw Hottie, exchanged Hajj greetings with people, finished up left over stuff from University, cleared up any doubts about the assignments with lecturers, heard Hottie tell me Eid Mubarak in his hot Geordie accent and yet somehow it has ended up being bad.

Not even imagining Hottie is going to make me smile. I have fucked up big time. Mum’s like really angry at me right now, not to mention the elder sister too. Sister had called and Mum had put the phone call on speaker. Mum and I were listening to her talk. She asked me about something which kind of made me angry and I thought in my mind “yeh hoti kaun hai?” I mean I know she is my sister and all but she doesn’t even know what I go through the whole day, what I feel, why I am sick and stuff. She is sitting in UK and has not seen me for a long long time now. How would she know what I am like? Well these days anyway! So just for a little while I got angry and then Mum started laughing with her and kind of making fun of me. Both of them were saying stuff and I was just staring at them for a minute and then I outburst.

I told baji loudly “kameeni kyon arahi ho Dubai, udher hi raho. koyi zaroorat nahi hai tumhari” and I told mum um I wish aapne baji ko paida hi na kya hota and I was the eldest. Mum became quiet. I actually didn’t say that, I shouted at her. After I did shout at her, I felt really bad and wanted to kill myself. I tried apologising to Mum but she wouldn’t listen.  She’s like to me “mai tumhari mama nahi hoon” and has gone off to her room to sleep I guess and I got a NASTY text message from baji which I probably deserve. I mean baji, all she does is take care of me and worry about me. How can I be so selfish? I was crying too for a little while.

I have probably offended two people that care the most about me in this world. Not only care about me but love me. Love me without wanting anything back or being selfish. I am not usually like this, I don’t know why today it just happened. Sometimes I feel I was a teddy bear and some kid cuddled me and took care of me and loved me, like Andy from Toy Story. I want that kind of affection from the people that I care about.

Sometimes I feel that I am behind a soundproof window and shouting at the people that I care about to notice me, but they can’t hear me and they just walk away. They just ignore me. I hate the feeling of being ignored. Especially from people that I deeply care about. What will it take to notice me? Please tell me and I will do exactly that. I just love deprived right now. x

Wow, it is just 11:20 PM and I am already almost falling asleep. I went to University after ages today. I had not been well so didn’t go to University to attend classes, for almost two weeks. I only had to go today because today was the last class of Web News Production for the semester. Also it was important to go since I had missed so many classes. It was necessary that I showed my face in University and to my lecturer. What started off as a very boring class, turned in to one of our most memorable and entertaining classes ever of this course?

Almost all of us in the class were on-line on Twitter and we were tweeting about our lecturer acting funny. These kinds of classes are fun, where there is hardly any studying going on, everyone is on Twitter and we – the students – are having a good time! Pfftt to whoever said classes have to be boring! We were actually discussing on Twitter, how to annoy the lecturer even more! Poor guy didn’t even know why all of us were laughing so much!

Something really annoying happened though. There was this guy Bilal, who is the new Marketing Executive and Business Development person in our University and he came to sit in on our session today. I don’t think he was observing the class more than he was staring down at me. It was so bloody annoying? He kept on looking at me and then he suddenly came really near me from the back and whispered in my ear! He was so close that I could hear him breathing! I felt so uncomfortable for god’s sakes. Then when I went to my lecturer to ask him something about the assignment, he kept on staring at me. It was so bloody annoying! I couldn’t even concentrate on what the lecturer was telling me! Anyway finally that weirdo went away. Thank god!

After that, Russ and I had gone to the Advanced Editing Suite where the Apple 27 inch Mac is. I like working on creative projects where I have a big screen and a Mac available to me. I like Photoshop etc. for the Mac, rather than for Windows. It just is not the same! When you get used to the Mac, Windows seems so boring to work with. Also YOU KNOW I have this thing about video editing software. I don’t like the ones available for the WINDOWS; I love final cut studio pro 7 for the Mac.

I finished my project surprisingly and then came home. Ate some food and then fell asleep. Slept for a good 4 hours and woke up. I did random stuff, talked to mum, and played with little one. We both also watched Mr. Bean cartoons. Day was good I guess. Now I have just eaten some chips ahoy cookies and had some fresh milk. I love doing that every night. Extremely cold Al Marai fresh milk is heaven.

Wow its 12 o’clock. Can’t believe it took me 40 minutes to type this blog entry. Twitter is to blame! I kept on tweeting in between. I am so sleepy? Miss someone like anything. I don’t know why sometimes I feel they ignore me. Anyway whatever, I think it is just me. I just feel that way, even though they don’t ignore me. I better SLEEP; tomorrow is a very long day. Have to go to University and then come home and help out with the chores and stuff. Also tomorrow is chaand raat at our place and THE entire cousins etc. are coming. I am so looking forward to meeting them. Some of them, it has been ages that I have seen them or talked to them. Okay well I better go to sleep then. Will write more tomorrow.